So what the fuck is Blog Tag anyway? Is it like TV Tag, where you have to yell out the name of who got you into blogging in the first place? The Bloggess! (www.thebloggess.com) Sinistral Scribblings! (www.sinistralscribblings.com) No? Oh. Is it like the one that all the new school pansy parents whine about, where the taggee must feel humiliated by being told neener-neener you’re ‘it’? No? Hmmmm….well, according to TwinDaddy, who was cool enough to tag me mostly because he hearts my Stankmeaner moniker, it’s a thing where you answer questions and talk about yourself. Narcissistic and nefarious, indeed. Seeing as I write mostly fiction on my blog this will be a departure for me. Seeing as how I am, in fact, narcissistic and nefarious, and the fact that I love Stuph Blog, the First Unshitty Blog on the Internet- http://stuphblog.wordpress.com/ (BEST TAG LINE EVER!) this should be a snap. Tag, I’m it! Links for some reason pretend they don’t exist on my laptop, so I’m just typing out all the internet addresses. Pfft technology….
So, firstly you have to repost these rules (my instinctual rebellious nature is already chafing at the idea of ‘rules’):
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/Twitter and let them know they’ve been tagged.
The picture of me will come at the end because if you make through it all the shit that is about to come, well, you get what you deserve.
Dah-Dah-Dah….And now, 11 random facts about me:
1.) When I was 5 I split my forehead open pretty much to the bone running full speed into the corner of a wall. Instead of calling my mom or taking me to the hospital, my Gramma called the 700 Club and had Pat Robertson pray for me on tv.
2.) When I was 12 I used to steal my mom’s Benson & Hedges Menthol Light 100′s and squirrel them away in my New Kids on the Block waterbottle
3.) My first pet was a guinea pig. I named her Daisy Duke.
4.) I currently have 6 tattoos and one non-naughty piercing
5.) I once bested a player in D&D so thoroughly that he hyperventilated and then threw up in the help-me-breathe bag his mom had given him. I was not invited back to that basement to play again. Rolling on the floor with laughter probably contributed to this.
6.) My son was about 10 seconds away from being named Waddy after the lead singer of The Exploited. Almost 16 years later he still thanks me for bowing to the pressure and changing my mind.
7.) I have a cat named Joker Frank and a Bearded Dragon named Princess Loki Mononoke.
8.) I was first introduced to the non-normal side of life when I saw The Red Hot Chili Peppers perform on Colin Quinn’s 2Hip4TV when I was in 4th grade – my relief was boundless
9.) If I had fuck you money to blow, I would pay someone to teach me how to drift, Tokyo style
10.) In 6th grade I was called to the guidance office because I put ‘sniper’ as my future career choice. It took a lot of convincing to explain that I meant for the Navy Seals.
11.) I can trip the light fantastic like nobody’s business
Dah-Dah-Dah….And now the answers to TwinDaddy’s questions:
1.) If you were a super hero, what would your super power be? My superpower would be called ‘Derp’- anytime someone was being stupid, I would super-smack them on their block head and they would instantly ‘get it’
2.) You don’t like your name (if you do, pretend that you don’t). What do you change it to? I always thought it would be cool to have a boy’s name so people would be all ooh-la-la surprised when they met me, so probably Trevor. Or Charlie.
3.) Debbie leaves Cincinnati at 5PM and travels an average speed of 62mph. Triton (where did that name come from?) leaves Dayton at 4:47PM and travels at an average speed of 87mph. They head towards each other. At what point do you give a fuck about any of this? BONUS Question: How long until Triton gets arrested for reckless driving? The only thing these people would give a fuck about would be getting to the civilized northern half of Ohio. Triton is arrested because he had a sexy times blow-up doll in his passenger seat and also because his license plate says SHROOMS. Fuck Dayton
4.) Coffee gets me high and keeps me awake at work on most days. Do you have such an addiction? If so, what is it? MountainDew Live Wire – that shit gets me hopping. Fun fact – soda has the same effect on tooth enamel as methamphetamine or crack cocaine.
5.) I truly believe we are all broken in some way or another. What is your biggest defect? APATHY. Prolonged stress puts me into a waking zombie-like coma that makes it hard for me to get out of bed, let alone leave the house and/or be productive
6.) Conversely, we all have one thing we are extremely talented at. What is your best attribute? Honesty, with others and myself at all times. No lies, no subterfuge, no excuses. Caveat- some would say this is my worst quality. This is most likely because these are the people who are lying liars who lie.
7.) If you were like Pinocchio, but could choose which body part would get bigger with every lie you told, which body part would it be? HAHAHAHA! This is a ridiculous question. Uh, my torso, I guess…? I already have long legs and arms, my nose certainly doesn’t need any help. I guess some girls would say ‘boobs’ but those are 2 body parts and plus when I think of longer boobs I get a weird visual of something resembling fleshy colored bananas….
8.) You find an empty box on the floor of your office. What was in it? The heads of all the people whose work I had to finish because they fucked it up in the first place (don’t ask why it’s empty now, if no one can find them they can’t prove shit)
9.) You just walked into Starbucks. What do you order? Venti White Chocolate Mocha with an extra shot of espresso, one blast of whipped cream on the bottom and one on the top
10.) Do you read (besides blogs)? If so, what type of reading do you enjoy? I read incessantly. I subscribe to Yoga Journal, Shambala Sun, and GQ. Obsessed with Terry Pratchett (Going Postal) Neil Gaiman (Neverwhere) (or Good Omens, the fantastically hilarious collaboration between those 2) Clive Barker (Sacrament) and Douglas Adams (any damn thing the man ever wrote)
11.) If you could guest post on any blog, what blog would it be? Stuphblog (duh), because of curse words and honesty and community and I think I have some Unshitty things to say about life. Or The Bloggess, which would mostly be fan girl gushing, which is okay because really she changed my life and that ain’t even an exaggeration. Or As Long As I’m Singing, which I guess would be more of a collaboration than a guest post because it would be fun to write a poem with someone who plays with words the way that he does.
(Holy shit, longest post ever….I keep getting distracted by chirping birds, kids who want cinnamon rolls already damn it and freefloating thoughts about weird dreams I had a week ago)
OKAY!! Home stretch – I chose one person as my Taggee because I felt like he could get into the spirit of the game and be both hilarious and honest (which should a prerequisite in the Rules of this here game o’ tag). So, As Long As I’m Singing (insert your real name at your discretion here are your 11 questions…
UPDATE: my awesome friend Eric has now accepted the Blog Tag challenge: so http://www.sinistralscribblings.com- Tag, brother
UPDATE #2: my friend SAM would like to play the game as well, so: http://www.frommywriteside.wordpress.com – Tag, sister
1. What smell instantly takes you back to a moment from your childhood?
2. What song will make you headbang/car dance/waltz around your living room no matter what kind of a shitty mood you’re in?
3. If you had to pick having to smell roses everywhere you went all the time or never being able to see the color blue, which would you choose?
4. Would you be more afraid of a rhinoceros charging at you or a hippopotamus?
5. Which, to you, would be the most flattering way to finish this sentence: Your writing really reminds me of _______.
6. Is it hard for you to stay on task from beginning to end, or do you jump around and do a little of this and a little of that and eventually cross the finish line?
7. What is your biggest pet peeve about yourself?
8. Do you plan to write your own epitaph or let someone else do it? Or, I guess conversely, cremation or burial would need to be answered first. TWO-PARTER! So that’s 8 & 9, because I multi-task like a motherfucker
10. All time favorite curse word, either one you’ve heard or one you’ve made up in the heat of the moment?
11. What vanity license plate would put “YOU” out there for all other driver’s to know?
Here’s one of my tattoos – it’s a take on the chapter break cartoons in the first copy of Good Omens I owned : )~